I haven't been online in a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. Of course it has been over a year.
Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.
I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.
An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.
The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.
We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eating disorder. Show all posts
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Here I go again
Things are getting too out of control. I miss my boyfriend. My best friend claims he loves me and I ended up having sex with him when we drank together. I had drunken sex with my roommate and then a couple nights later... drunken sex with his best friend. What the hell is wrong with me!!?? Things are spinning out of control and I am letting it happen. I'm the biggest whore I know now.
I haven't left my room in two days except to go to work and take walks. I cause so many problems. I stopped drinking and hanging out with friends. I need the isolation.
The worst thing to happen to me in the past week? I have to get it out. I haven't told anyone about it. I'm sitting here typing... tears running down my face because my roommate's dad who has been like a grandpa to me invited me over to his house. He had me make margaritas for him and offered me to make some for myself as well. I figured it would be safe since I have known him for a really long time. We sat down and watched a movie that was fairly good. Then he put on another movie in his room and we migrated into there. I thought it was a little weird but he said it was just to be more comfortable. I didn't really think much of it after that.
Everything seemed fine. We were watching the movie and then he started rubbing my leg. I moved out of his reach. Then he pulled me over to him and started kissing me. I got off the bed and told him I had to leave. He asked why and all I could say was I had a boyfriend... I was too horrified. Too numb. Too disgusted to say anything else. He said no one knows what happens behind closed doors... I walked out at that point.
Today, as I was walking to work, he drove by me. He stopped and called me over. He told me he knew of certain horrible things I have done and asked if my boyfriend or his mom knew (his mom is the mail lady for the apartment complex he lives in). I told him no. He said he wouldn't say anything if I went and visited him for an hour after work.
That bastard threatened me!!
I am not going to fall for his shit. I will not be scared into having sex with some old guy.
Some guy I thought I could trust.
I can't believe this. I have never felt such self loathing. I haven't eaten in almost three days in order to punish myself. I will continue to punish myself for another four days. I deserve longer. I am not going to see anyone either though. I just wanna work out and work. I can't face people right now, work is going to be hard enough... It's not like I deserve any company anyways.
I haven't left my room in two days except to go to work and take walks. I cause so many problems. I stopped drinking and hanging out with friends. I need the isolation.
The worst thing to happen to me in the past week? I have to get it out. I haven't told anyone about it. I'm sitting here typing... tears running down my face because my roommate's dad who has been like a grandpa to me invited me over to his house. He had me make margaritas for him and offered me to make some for myself as well. I figured it would be safe since I have known him for a really long time. We sat down and watched a movie that was fairly good. Then he put on another movie in his room and we migrated into there. I thought it was a little weird but he said it was just to be more comfortable. I didn't really think much of it after that.
Everything seemed fine. We were watching the movie and then he started rubbing my leg. I moved out of his reach. Then he pulled me over to him and started kissing me. I got off the bed and told him I had to leave. He asked why and all I could say was I had a boyfriend... I was too horrified. Too numb. Too disgusted to say anything else. He said no one knows what happens behind closed doors... I walked out at that point.
Today, as I was walking to work, he drove by me. He stopped and called me over. He told me he knew of certain horrible things I have done and asked if my boyfriend or his mom knew (his mom is the mail lady for the apartment complex he lives in). I told him no. He said he wouldn't say anything if I went and visited him for an hour after work.
That bastard threatened me!!
I am not going to fall for his shit. I will not be scared into having sex with some old guy.
Some guy I thought I could trust.
I can't believe this. I have never felt such self loathing. I haven't eaten in almost three days in order to punish myself. I will continue to punish myself for another four days. I deserve longer. I am not going to see anyone either though. I just wanna work out and work. I can't face people right now, work is going to be hard enough... It's not like I deserve any company anyways.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Back in it
Sooo here I am again. Freaking out about my weight. I have no scale to use anymore which is irritating considering I have gotten really used to getting on one every morning. I have started running again. I hope that's enough. As soon as I have the money, I want to get a membership at the local gym. It's a shitty excuse for a gym but I suppose it's better than nothing.
My mom is pissed at me now, because I haven't been calling her. It isn't like she doesn't have a phone or anything. It goes both ways. I know we live in deifferent states now, but she doesn't seem to understand that I havetwo jobs and am going to school. Last time we talked she was bitching at me for using her account at the movie store. As if it was some huge problem. That's when I stopped calling. She hasn't tried calling me once since then either. When I was talking to her, she only had negative things to say to me and she really knows how to make someone feel like complete and utter shit. Or when I am trying to tell her things that are going on in my life it's like she isn't even interested and barely says anything back so why even bother talking to her? She is just another added stress in my life that I don't want or need.
I also wound up binging like crazy yesterday. Chips, burritos, cake, strawberries dipped in chocolate, caramel corn, grilled cheese sandwhich with tomatoe soup. I felt absolutely disgusting. I ran for about three hours last night because of it. I still feel gross and disgusted with myself today.
I know this is a weird thought but when I was younger, I always wished I could turn myself into one of my barbie dolls. they seemed so perfectly beautiful to me. And now, here I am 15 years later, with an eating disorder and trying to reach that unreachable perfection.
hope all is well
xoxo-Elizabeth
My mom is pissed at me now, because I haven't been calling her. It isn't like she doesn't have a phone or anything. It goes both ways. I know we live in deifferent states now, but she doesn't seem to understand that I havetwo jobs and am going to school. Last time we talked she was bitching at me for using her account at the movie store. As if it was some huge problem. That's when I stopped calling. She hasn't tried calling me once since then either. When I was talking to her, she only had negative things to say to me and she really knows how to make someone feel like complete and utter shit. Or when I am trying to tell her things that are going on in my life it's like she isn't even interested and barely says anything back so why even bother talking to her? She is just another added stress in my life that I don't want or need.
I also wound up binging like crazy yesterday. Chips, burritos, cake, strawberries dipped in chocolate, caramel corn, grilled cheese sandwhich with tomatoe soup. I felt absolutely disgusting. I ran for about three hours last night because of it. I still feel gross and disgusted with myself today.
I know this is a weird thought but when I was younger, I always wished I could turn myself into one of my barbie dolls. they seemed so perfectly beautiful to me. And now, here I am 15 years later, with an eating disorder and trying to reach that unreachable perfection.
hope all is well
xoxo-Elizabeth
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Lost In You
I never would have thought it would be possible to get one guy to love me. Let alone two. M told me he loves me today. I never told C about what happened, I know he would leave me. I know I don't deserve him but I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I wouldn't be able to take it. I did draw a line with M, though. Just friends. Nothing more.
I haven't eaten anything in about two or three days. Not sure exactly how many, haven't been keeping track. I'm empty again. I hate it. Not having any emotions at all is the worst thing to me. It's a struggle to even pretend to be happy like I usually do.
My mask is crumbling. I broke down twice today at work. Luckily I was in the dish room so nobody saw. Once I got home I was completely drained of emotion. That feeling of nothingness crept in and made itself at home.
On the plus side, I managed to stand on the scale today... I'm 5'2" and 120 pounds... I'm working on that though. I want to be 98 pounds and I know I can do it.
Hope all is well- xxx Elizabeth
I haven't eaten anything in about two or three days. Not sure exactly how many, haven't been keeping track. I'm empty again. I hate it. Not having any emotions at all is the worst thing to me. It's a struggle to even pretend to be happy like I usually do.
My mask is crumbling. I broke down twice today at work. Luckily I was in the dish room so nobody saw. Once I got home I was completely drained of emotion. That feeling of nothingness crept in and made itself at home.
On the plus side, I managed to stand on the scale today... I'm 5'2" and 120 pounds... I'm working on that though. I want to be 98 pounds and I know I can do it.
Hope all is well- xxx Elizabeth
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
What A Way To Be
I have a new reason to lose weight... A new... obsession, if you will. I mentioned in my first post how I have this need for male attention. I know I am in a long distance relationship and despite my actions, I love him. It's just... ugh. This guy... I'll call him M. He is soo nice and respectful. He doesn't hit on me like other guys. He is actually extremely friendly but in no way do I see him liking me as any other way than a friend.
Which makes me want him to.
It makes it a sort of challenge for me. Nothing will happen between us, I know this because he would never try anything while I had a boyfriend and neither would I. It's my mind... I feel there is something wrong with me (besides the obvious fat that only I can seem to see). I need every guy's approval, despite how vain and shallow that sounds. I know, I'm a bitch in that aspect. I just can't help it.
If I could just see myself the way others see me, I know I could be happy. They tell me I'm skinny and that I am losing weight... but how can I believe them? How can they possibly be telling the truth when I am in fact not skinny at all. I am quite fat. No matter what I may lose, it is never enough.
I don't even remember what it is to be happy anymore. I remember easy smiles... laughs that weren't fake... bits and pieces of a fleeting memory. A time long gone. Now, I have stress coming from everywhere it seems like. Work, home, family, friends, food. It is a never ending battle that I am constantly failing at. Which puts me into a deeper depression because failure is not acceptable.
Failure...
That word pops into my head so much. I know I am a failure, but I will do better. Ana will help me be better. I know it is fucked up, I know it's crazy but I need to do this. I need this more than anything. I'm taking it to a higher level. I cannot afford to lose control anymore. I will rise above this and win. I will be everything I pretend to be in public: thin, gorgeous and confident. If I pretend enough... maybe it will no longer be a mask I put on. No longer an act.. a role I need to play. Maybe, one day, I will become the role. Assume the character so completely that I will be happy.
I can only hope and work hard as hell for it.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning... for the first time in a long time. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I haven't eaten anything all day in preparation for this...
Hope all goes well... xxx Elizabeth
Which makes me want him to.
It makes it a sort of challenge for me. Nothing will happen between us, I know this because he would never try anything while I had a boyfriend and neither would I. It's my mind... I feel there is something wrong with me (besides the obvious fat that only I can seem to see). I need every guy's approval, despite how vain and shallow that sounds. I know, I'm a bitch in that aspect. I just can't help it.
If I could just see myself the way others see me, I know I could be happy. They tell me I'm skinny and that I am losing weight... but how can I believe them? How can they possibly be telling the truth when I am in fact not skinny at all. I am quite fat. No matter what I may lose, it is never enough.
I don't even remember what it is to be happy anymore. I remember easy smiles... laughs that weren't fake... bits and pieces of a fleeting memory. A time long gone. Now, I have stress coming from everywhere it seems like. Work, home, family, friends, food. It is a never ending battle that I am constantly failing at. Which puts me into a deeper depression because failure is not acceptable.
Failure...
That word pops into my head so much. I know I am a failure, but I will do better. Ana will help me be better. I know it is fucked up, I know it's crazy but I need to do this. I need this more than anything. I'm taking it to a higher level. I cannot afford to lose control anymore. I will rise above this and win. I will be everything I pretend to be in public: thin, gorgeous and confident. If I pretend enough... maybe it will no longer be a mask I put on. No longer an act.. a role I need to play. Maybe, one day, I will become the role. Assume the character so completely that I will be happy.
I can only hope and work hard as hell for it.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning... for the first time in a long time. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I haven't eaten anything all day in preparation for this...
Hope all goes well... xxx Elizabeth
Friday, July 22, 2011
Here It Goes Again
My family is actually visiting from another state. My step mom and my brothers. Apparently we are going out to eat. Get ready for another night of sobbing, Elizabeth.
I have been doing so well too. I still haven't had the courage to weigh myself, though. I hope I can have the courage to do it soon.
I just saw my family not too long ago. I know its wrong of me but I'm not at all excited to see them. If truth be told, they just cause more anxiety for me. My mom never approves of anything and isn't at all supportive of anything I do. If anyone can drive me to cut, it's that woman. I'm never good enough for her.
So since I'm having a fat night tonight so I don't worry them, I need to come up with a good plan to lose the extra, disgusting fat. I have been feeling ugly enough as it is. Just terrible. I couldn't look in the mirror, again. Everything I wear makes me look like a bloated whale. I'm sick of being fat.
Sick of not being good enough
Sick of hating myself
Sick of working myself to death at two shitty jobs, to pay for the shitty place I live in.
I'm completely losing it today. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. All my thoughts are jumbled up. Emotions have gone completely haywire. I sobbed like crazy the other day because I'm still sinking. I'm not good enough to pull myself out of it. I'm never happy anymore.I just want to feel something calm and peaceful for a change. I want a moment out of the chaos...just once.
I have been doing so well too. I still haven't had the courage to weigh myself, though. I hope I can have the courage to do it soon.
I just saw my family not too long ago. I know its wrong of me but I'm not at all excited to see them. If truth be told, they just cause more anxiety for me. My mom never approves of anything and isn't at all supportive of anything I do. If anyone can drive me to cut, it's that woman. I'm never good enough for her.
So since I'm having a fat night tonight so I don't worry them, I need to come up with a good plan to lose the extra, disgusting fat. I have been feeling ugly enough as it is. Just terrible. I couldn't look in the mirror, again. Everything I wear makes me look like a bloated whale. I'm sick of being fat.
Sick of not being good enough
Sick of hating myself
Sick of working myself to death at two shitty jobs, to pay for the shitty place I live in.
I'm completely losing it today. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. All my thoughts are jumbled up. Emotions have gone completely haywire. I sobbed like crazy the other day because I'm still sinking. I'm not good enough to pull myself out of it. I'm never happy anymore.I just want to feel something calm and peaceful for a change. I want a moment out of the chaos...just once.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Average
Just an average girl hiding the pain.
Just an average girl hiding a disease.
You see the signs but you turn away.
Its too much for your normal world.
Ignore it and you don’t have to worry.
You see the smeared make up, starved eyes.
See the sadness plainy on her arms .
Like a sick canvas, it’s there.
And still you carry on.
Run away without a second glance.
You could save her if you chose.
You could love her if you tried
But you don't
You pretend it’s nothing
Because you can’t stand the pain either
Just an average girl hiding a disease.
You see the signs but you turn away.
Its too much for your normal world.
Ignore it and you don’t have to worry.
You see the smeared make up, starved eyes.
See the sadness plainy on her arms .
Like a sick canvas, it’s there.
And still you carry on.
Run away without a second glance.
You could save her if you chose.
You could love her if you tried
But you don't
You pretend it’s nothing
Because you can’t stand the pain either
Here I Am
This isn't my first blog but it is one I know I can be completely honest in as no one I know will be following it. As far as I know. I need some place to be completely truthful. I need to be able to write things down and get them out of my messed up head. I need to finally tell the truth. Uncensored.
I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a 20 year old female and I have two jobs. I live in a small coastal town in the US and I have an eating disorder. Have had one since I was 16. I mean, I have always had a problem with my weight. I always thought I was fat and ugly. I guess at 16 it all just bubbled over. I tried dieting and was really happy with the results. Before I knew it, I was restricting more and working out like crazy. Now I haven't been able to stop.
I thought about recovery a couple of times but I could never actually go through with it. This is too much a part of me and I'm not willing to give it up.
I am also addicted to male attention, slightly alcoholic, a slight pot head and a shopaholic. Yes my life can be full of chaos which is why I started this blog. I have always had a need to write and document hings. I need it to clear my head and make sense of the chaos. Words are beautiful when written right and someday I hope to create beauty. Someday I hope to be a beauty. The only way to do that is to be thin (and there's the ed talking). So, that's me. Somewhat.
Anyways, I'm here and ready to finally write without any inhibitions.
I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a 20 year old female and I have two jobs. I live in a small coastal town in the US and I have an eating disorder. Have had one since I was 16. I mean, I have always had a problem with my weight. I always thought I was fat and ugly. I guess at 16 it all just bubbled over. I tried dieting and was really happy with the results. Before I knew it, I was restricting more and working out like crazy. Now I haven't been able to stop.
I thought about recovery a couple of times but I could never actually go through with it. This is too much a part of me and I'm not willing to give it up.
I am also addicted to male attention, slightly alcoholic, a slight pot head and a shopaholic. Yes my life can be full of chaos which is why I started this blog. I have always had a need to write and document hings. I need it to clear my head and make sense of the chaos. Words are beautiful when written right and someday I hope to create beauty. Someday I hope to be a beauty. The only way to do that is to be thin (and there's the ed talking). So, that's me. Somewhat.
Anyways, I'm here and ready to finally write without any inhibitions.
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