I spent Christmas alone. Carl went back to our home town to be with family. I had to stay behind because of work. It was terrible. Two weeks by myself. I spent those weeks alternately binge eating and starving myself. I had no one. I moved to a new city and all I have is Carl.
On Christmas eve I was laid off and am now looking for another job. I hate that I have barely any prospects right now. I want to go back to school and I can't. I have absolutely no money for such a thing. I'm not smart enough, I'm not talented for anything. I'm very obviously not qualified for anything other than a minimum wage job. I feel pretty pathetic.
Other than the usual flow of self hatred and criticism, things have been fairly well. Carl came back about a week ago and he has been nothing but supportive. He knows how I feel about the jobs I have to apply for. About my lack of schooling. He knows how bad my self esteem is. I finally opened up to him.
He didn't run. He didn't leave. He's still here. He still loves me. I feel so much better now that he knows everything. I don't know if he looks at me differently now. I'm sure he does but he hasn't shown any sign of it yet. He knew how much it took to tell him.
I still can't stop worrying, though. What if I won't be able to find another job? How do I know I won't hate it? How can I stand dealing with another cashier job or dish washing job? I mean yeah, I need the money and will take any job available.. Regardless of how much I'll hate it. People here treat minimum wage jobs like shit. I'm constantly treated like an idiot because of it. I've never seen so many rude people in my life until I had that cashier job.
I've had three people in one week bring me to tears because of the things they said.
How can I build any self esteem with people like that? How can I build any self esteem when my crazy won't shut up? I feel so messed up. The only good thing in my life is Carl. And as I've said before, I don't know what I would do without him.
He treats me amazingly. He isn't always romantic. Sometimes he spends way too much time on video games but I I know he's always there for me no matter what. It feels so good knowing I have him to completely lean on when I need. I've never had that before. He actually makes me feel worthy. It's refreshing.
