I will be what I need to be

Just got done with an excellent work out. Feels good to be back on track. Now I'll be waiting for the boyfriend to get home, see if he wants to go For a jog. That will take about half an hour. We will be back by 1:30. I'll take a shower afterwards, then knit until I finish my nieces presents, cook for Carl, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, write a couple letters to pen pals. I'll possibly knit some more. I just need as many distractions as possible.

A liquid fast to start anew. Doesn't mean it won't be hard. I'll do my best. No I'll do better than that. I will be absolutely resolute. I willmot accept failure. Of any kind. I will rise above everything and be everything I need myself to be.

I have lacked ambition, I lacked motivation, I lacked. I am failing myself. I have given up entirely and I'm disgusted with myself.

Revolted.

I can't keep going through the motions. I can't lay in bed at night thinking about the exercises I could be doing instead. I need to wake up. I need my other brand of crazy. The one that puts me in shape and tortures me the way I need. That addictive, empty stomach, sore muscle burn. I need it back.

I will begin anew. I will start today. Once again I'll have a carefully planned schedule filled with workouts and distractions. I need to be thin again. I need to work out again. I will do it. I have to.