willingly trapped by the monster

There are so many things we connect to being happy. If I am thin I'll be happy. If I am beautiful, I'll be happy. If I do this or that then I will definitely be happy. The thing is, that's not happiness. Happiness is a state of being. A fairly unreachable state of being in my case but one nonetheless.

I'm still stuck in that mind set that if I lose weight and gain attention, it will make me happy. I am, in every way, trapped by my disorders. And I allow it to be so. Because I am afraid. I'm afraid to lose the thing that destroys me. In a sick way, it defines who I am and I don't know what I would do without it.

It destroys me, yes. But it is also the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I go through the daily routines, the responsibilities. I'm not happy without it. I'm not motivated with out it. Its that twisted thinking that keeps me trapped. But I'm not ready to be freed from it.

I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm nothing. Without my disorders telling me this, maybe, I could be strong. I could be brave. I could be something.

Right now, I can't. I can't take that leap...

Is this how it's going to stay?

I have a part time job now. I got it towards the end of September. Of course, I'm still not happy. I can't ask for any time off so I will be alone for Christmas. Good in the sense that I can starve all I want and no one will be there to give a shit. But me, alone.. Well, that hasn't been going so well.

I cry, all the time when I'm alone. Hell, the boyfriend can be laying right next to me and I'll have tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably.

I hate myself so much. I can't be happy. The harder I try to pretend otherwise, the worse I fucking feel. There is no end. There will never be an end to this. I don't know how it got this bad.

I used to be so happy. I used to smile and laugh. Real smiles and real laughter. Not the half hearted mask I put on now... I just want that back. Why is it so hard to get that back? Is it really too much to ask to be happy? To feel worthy? To feel like I am enough?

Carl has been gone almost all day. He hardly said a word to me when he He was here. I've had almost all day to myself. I feel wrong. I know I'm not right but... Nothing feels right. I'm starting to get numb again. That feeling of nothingness. It's been coming and going all day.

When I'm not numb, I'm raked with disgust, sadness and fear. I honestly don't know which is worse. I feel like a mess. I am a mess.

I haven't been eating today. I had about 300 calories today and even that fills me with disgust. I'm tired of this. I want to be normal. I want this all to go away. The fear, the sickness, the moments of emptiness.

I don't know what to do anymore

a new place

Finally all settled into my new home. A new city. No more whispered insults, no more rumors, no more reminders of the past.
Things have been quiet.

It's not as hard as I thought it would be, hiding my eating habits from the boyfriend. We run together on a regular basis and he eats healthy. I manage to stay under 600 calories a day and my control has been almost completely perfect.

Occasionally I slip into moments of self hate. Mostly when the boyfriend is preoccupied and I'm left alone for too long. For the most part I try not to think of my disgusting self. I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'm a pathetically horrible person.

I have yet to find a job but have put a ton of apps out and hope to hear something soon. Other than all that, not much has been going on. Hope everything is well with you readers :)

Stay strong

Just hold it together

I'm alone again. Carl is on his fucking computer again. I took a shower so no one would see me crying. I was so dibilitated by my emotions, I literally could not move. I just sat in the shower and sobbed. Finally, I was ready to get out. It took me forever to he able to open the door though. My shower is directly across from a mirror.

My reflection threw me into another fit of sobs and fucking self hatred. I can't win. I can't keep doing this! I don't want to be so damn unhappy. I'm fucking pathetic and needy. Why the fuck is he with me?

Here I go again. Another night of me pathetically crying in a dark room. Why can't I be good enough? I'm fucking worthless. I want to be thin, beautiful and smart. Witty, funny and cute. I want to be happy. I can't.

I can't be any of that. I don't go to school, I can't afford it. I'm awkward and ugly. I can't lose weight. No matter how hard or how much I work out the fucking scale number is the same!!! I'm shit. I'm completely worthless. It's no wonder Carl wants nothing to do with me.

He never wants to spend time with me. I get it. I'm not worth the time. His games, computer and friends are. God, I'm so pathetic. He deserves better. I don't know why he hasn't cut all ties with me yet.

Playing a dangerous role

I'm supposed to be happy. I have things going for me. The boyfriend and I got approved for our house. I'm getting out if this shitty town. Away from these people who know I'm nothing. I have a fresh start. Yet I'm not happy. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not enough.

I haven't told my boss I'm leaving yet. I'll be gone by the seventh of next month and she still doesn't know. I know I'll disappoint her. She needs me and I'm letting her down.

I know it's silly to feel guilty about such a thing. But I absolutely hate letting people down and yet, I do it so often. I'm a failure and I know it.

I still can't be myself around the boyfriend. That night I got too drunk and cut my fat thighs up... I still have to hide the marks. He can't see what I do. He can't see how sick I really am.

The mask is fragile though. I'm slipping up. It's getting harder and harder to keep the smile in place. I can't always run to the bathroom for a quick cry. The slip ups in the act are getting more noticeable. I can't keep doing this.

I'm living a fucking LIE.

It won't stop. I can't stop. I have to keep going. It destroys me but not half as much as it would if I were to lose all that I worked so hard for. Carl means everything to me and he can't see this side of me. He deserves a girl that can be happy and perfect. I can't be that girl but I sure as hell am trying.

I must be going insane

I work, I read, I watch movies. I cry, I cut, I starve. My life has been reduced to numbers. Calories, the scale, stats. I lie, fake everything.

See me eat? Look at this dirty, empty plate.

It's all fucking pretend. And am I getting thinner? No. The scale refuses to go down. It's been weeks and I'm a fucking failure.

I'm sick. I'm waiting to be approved for a house that I intend to live in with my boyfriend and I can't even be fully honest with him. If I am, it's all over. I need him. I can't be without him.

So the game continues.
I can't quit.

I cut...

I drank, got drunk enough to actually try having sex with the boyfriend and he rejected me. Said that I'm not myself when I'm drunk but seems to have no problem when he's drinking too. Of course it put me on a downward spiral.

I know I'm not good enough but to have that reinforced by the boyfriend's actions and words just makes it all the more harder to take in. I cut. And I hate myself. I want to cut more. I starved myself all day for him and still... I'm not good enough. I hate myself so much. I need to cut more. I deserve it. I want it. I'm so fucking pathetic.

Had nothing but a piece of cake today and a tone of alcohol. Failure? I think so. But I'm still here and I will do better. I worked off most of the cake but when I started drinking... It went down hill. I know I'm a piece of shit and it is taking all my concentration to spell this all right. Fuck, I'm messed up. I hate myself but I am working on it all. I will be better. Tomorrow I intend to fast and I am gonna run for at least an hour. I hate myself. I'm a fat bitch but wish me luck.

Back after such a long break

I haven't been online in a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. Of course it has been over a year.

Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.

I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.

An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.

The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.

We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.