Started eating again but still don't have much of an appetite. It's an odd feeling. I have never felt so much control. I have never had such little need to eat. Even fasting for as long as I did I thought I would be starving and ready to binge by now. It's nice to have this control. It's lovely to feel myself getting thin. I do feel hungry but the feeling is barely there. Like it's muted. I love the feeling in my stomach right now. I only ate a piece of toast for breakfast, half a cup of broccoli at lunch and an apple at dinner yesterday. I haven't eaten anything today yet. I can't explain how happy I feel about the control I have,

C will be back in town on friday. He is staying for a week and then he wants me to stay with him in his dorm for a week. I'm excited for him to see the improvement. I look thinner, my clothes fit less tight now. I actually want to weigh myself and I think I will tomorrow moring. I feel something akin to happiness and it makes me smile a little. Not a true smile... but almost. As soon as I am 98 pounds, I will be the happiest gorl alive.

"Look at you... 20 years old and your happiness depends on the weight you lose. How immature of you. "Seeking attention" at this age. You're vain and shallow. You need to get the fuck over yourself." 

Yes someone said this to me yesterday. Someone who has known me for years and knows of my disorder. It hurts to hear that from someone you thought you could trust. Someone who I thought would understand better than most.

 Despite what evidence in this blog and my actions may show, I am not seeking attention. People really don't seem to realize it's a disorder. I'm fucked in the brain. But all they see me trying to do is follow a fad. They don't see the tears behind the mask. The hidden struggle with food. The obsession with food, eaten or not. They can never understand. Unless they have been through it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I just hate seeing the judgemental looks from the people who do know my problem.

Even in the Darkest Hours

I have yet to eat anything. I don't even feel hungry. The empty feeling comes and goes still but I think I am getting better. I have been able to put my mask back in place. That is, I'm the fun, outlandishly confident girl my "friends" know and love again. They see nothing and I prefer to keep it that way.

I haven't been able to get on the scale since that last time. I'm afraid to see the number go up. I'm happy I weighed less than I thought but I need to lose more, obviously. I'm working on getting happy. I want to do more than pretend. I want to be able to see something as simple as a flower and smile at it's beauty. Not my fake smile... but a true smile. I want to laugh in the sunlight, without a care in the world. Without worrying about fat, food, calories, life in general.

Happiness...

That's what I yearn for. Happiness in whatever beauty is still left in this world. I will obtain it. I am strong and determined. I will have my day.

Even in the darkest hours, there is still a ray of hope.

Hope all is well-xxx Elizabeth

Lost In You

I never would have thought it would be possible to get one guy to love me. Let alone two. M told me he loves me today. I never told C about what happened, I know he would leave me. I know I don't deserve him but I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I wouldn't be able to take it. I did draw a line with M, though. Just friends. Nothing more.

I haven't eaten anything in about two or three days. Not sure exactly how many, haven't been keeping track. I'm empty again. I hate it. Not having any emotions at all is the worst thing to me. It's a struggle to even pretend to be happy like I usually do.

My mask is crumbling. I broke down twice today at work. Luckily I was in the dish room so nobody saw. Once I got home I was completely drained of emotion. That feeling of nothingness crept in and made itself at home.

On the plus side, I managed to stand on the scale today... I'm 5'2" and 120 pounds... I'm working on that though. I want to be 98 pounds and I know I can do it.

Hope all is well- xxx Elizabeth

Well, I'm the worst person in the world. Remember M? He toldme he loves me.That he has liked me for months now. We got drunk together with a couple friends and I admitted that I had a crush on him... We kissed and we did it again tonight. I'm such a terrible person. I don't deserve anyone. M and C are truly amazing guys and I am treating them like shit. I'm breaking both off tomorrow. I'm telling C all about what I did and M just needs to find someone who is worthy of him, as does C. I feel so shitty right now. I haven't eaten anything all day because of it.

I honestly don't want this blog turning into one of those stupid wishy washy "romantic" blogs. I just need a place to write and get things out. I just really needed to let it out and there is no one I could talk to about this stuff.

Besides my shitty behavior, not much else has gone on.. I still haven't been able to sum up the courage to stand on that damn scale. Don't see it happening anytime soon. I still stare at it every fucking morning, trying to put my feet onto it and read the numbers.

This will be a short post... I just feel so worthless and terrible right now. What I did was completely wrong and and fucking heartless.

Hope all is well- XXX Elizabeth