I have a part time job now. I got it towards the end of September. Of course, I'm still not happy. I can't ask for any time off so I will be alone for Christmas. Good in the sense that I can starve all I want and no one will be there to give a shit. But me, alone.. Well, that hasn't been going so well.
I cry, all the time when I'm alone. Hell, the boyfriend can be laying right next to me and I'll have tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably.
I hate myself so much. I can't be happy. The harder I try to pretend otherwise, the worse I fucking feel. There is no end. There will never be an end to this. I don't know how it got this bad.
I used to be so happy. I used to smile and laugh. Real smiles and real laughter. Not the half hearted mask I put on now... I just want that back. Why is it so hard to get that back? Is it really too much to ask to be happy? To feel worthy? To feel like I am enough?
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