Carl has been gone almost all day. He hardly said a word to me when he He was here. I've had almost all day to myself. I feel wrong. I know I'm not right but... Nothing feels right. I'm starting to get numb again. That feeling of nothingness. It's been coming and going all day.
When I'm not numb, I'm raked with disgust, sadness and fear. I honestly don't know which is worse. I feel like a mess. I am a mess.
I haven't been eating today. I had about 300 calories today and even that fills me with disgust. I'm tired of this. I want to be normal. I want this all to go away. The fear, the sickness, the moments of emptiness.
I don't know what to do anymore
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anorexia. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Back after such a long break
I haven't been online in a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. Of course it has been over a year.
Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.
I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.
An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.
The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.
We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.
Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.
I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.
An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.
The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.
We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.
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