Here It Goes Again

My family is actually visiting from another state. My step mom and my brothers. Apparently we are going out to eat. Get ready for another night of sobbing, Elizabeth.

I have been doing so well too. I still haven't had the courage to weigh myself, though. I hope I can have the courage to do it soon.

 I just saw my family not too long ago. I know its wrong of me but I'm not at all excited to see them. If truth be told, they just cause more anxiety for me. My mom never approves of anything and isn't at all supportive of anything I do. If anyone can drive me to cut, it's that woman. I'm never good enough for her.

So since I'm having a fat night tonight so I don't worry them, I need to come up with a good plan to lose the extra, disgusting fat. I have been feeling ugly enough as it is. Just terrible. I couldn't look in the mirror, again. Everything I wear makes me look like a bloated whale. I'm sick of being fat.


Sick of not being good enough
Sick of hating myself
Sick of working myself to death at two shitty jobs, to pay for the shitty place I live in.

I'm completely losing it today. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. All my thoughts are jumbled up. Emotions have gone completely haywire. I sobbed like crazy the other day because I'm still sinking. I'm not good enough to pull myself out of it. I'm never happy anymore.I just want to feel something calm and peaceful for a change. I want a moment out of the chaos...just once.

Here I Am

This isn't my first blog but it is one I know I can be completely honest in as no one I know will be following it. As far as I know. I need some place to be completely truthful. I need to be able to write things down and get them out of my messed up head. I need to finally tell the truth. Uncensored.

I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a 20 year old female and I have two jobs. I live in a small coastal town in the US and I have an eating disorder. Have had one since I was 16. I mean, I have always had a problem with my weight. I always thought I was fat and ugly. I guess at 16 it all just bubbled over. I tried dieting and was really happy with the results. Before I knew it, I was restricting more and working out like crazy. Now I haven't been able to stop.

I thought about recovery a couple of times but I could never actually go through with it. This is too much a part of me and I'm not willing to give it up.

I am also addicted to male attention, slightly alcoholic, a slight pot head and a shopaholic. Yes my life can be full of chaos which is why I started this blog. I have always had a need to write and document hings. I need it to clear my head and make sense of the chaos. Words are beautiful when written right and someday I hope to create beauty. Someday I hope to be a beauty. The only way to do that is to be thin (and there's the ed talking). So, that's me. Somewhat.

Anyways, I'm here and ready to finally write without any inhibitions.