crying on the bathroom floor

I haven't felt the need to hole myself up in the bathroom sobbing silently for quite a while. Then today... I have been so emotionally wrecked for no reason other than my own pathetic non-existing confidence.

There was no real reason for running to the bathroom to cry. My boyfriend was playing his computer game, had his headphones in and was talking to his friends on Skype. One of them said something and he just looked at me while laughing uncontrollably. I asked him what and he said his friend said something about me and that he would tell me later.

For that. That one stupid, irrelevant moment, I was off to the bathroom and forcing myself to control my sobs. I'm so fucked up today.

garbage doesn't even begin to cover it

I have been feeling ridiculously down today, easily irritated and all around terrible. I'm too sore to work out, ate way more than I wanted to because the boyfriend is around.

I'm just so tired of everyday living. Barely getting by, always acting happier than I really am, that numb feeling that sometimes persists and I can't feel anything. I haven't cut myself in a while and I'm always tempted when that numbness overtakes me.

This is so hard. I don't get out of bed in the morning because I want to, I do it because I force myself and tell myself that I have to.

I wish normalcy was an option. Even though, I'm sore as hell and my boyfriend has told me I need a break from working out, I have been sneaking exercises. Swuats in the bathroom, fidgeting constantly, calf raises when standing.


I just keep beating myself up and since I fell off the wagon for a bit, I have had nothing but motivation to be on top. To be... If not gorgeous then at least thin.

I just feel more worthless than ever. The slightest, dumbest thing knocks me down. I need strength, which I don't have, confidence that I will never get being like this and I need validation from others. I don't care how pathetic it is, I need it.