There are so many things we connect to being happy. If I am thin I'll be happy. If I am beautiful, I'll be happy. If I do this or that then I will definitely be happy. The thing is, that's not happiness. Happiness is a state of being. A fairly unreachable state of being in my case but one nonetheless.
I'm still stuck in that mind set that if I lose weight and gain attention, it will make me happy. I am, in every way, trapped by my disorders. And I allow it to be so. Because I am afraid. I'm afraid to lose the thing that destroys me. In a sick way, it defines who I am and I don't know what I would do without it.
It destroys me, yes. But it is also the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I go through the daily routines, the responsibilities. I'm not happy without it. I'm not motivated with out it. Its that twisted thinking that keeps me trapped. But I'm not ready to be freed from it.
I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm nothing. Without my disorders telling me this, maybe, I could be strong. I could be brave. I could be something.
Right now, I can't. I can't take that leap...
That's okay. I have so many disorders it would literally be impossible to let every last one of them go. And I know we aren't supposed to say things are impossible but hey, that's reality. So I embrace mine and make them fun and okay, but even at the best of times I still feel that way. It still sucks to be trapped and not have a way out. No one would choose life trapped in a cage over anything else, or for any reason.
ReplyDeleteI hate looking out over what could be and it's just out of reach and the only thing holding me back is me.
What would you do if you ever actually were happy about our weight? Wouldn't you just find a new disorder to channel what you are feeling? Could be worse.
Wish you luck.
xoxo