a new place

Finally all settled into my new home. A new city. No more whispered insults, no more rumors, no more reminders of the past.
Things have been quiet.

It's not as hard as I thought it would be, hiding my eating habits from the boyfriend. We run together on a regular basis and he eats healthy. I manage to stay under 600 calories a day and my control has been almost completely perfect.

Occasionally I slip into moments of self hate. Mostly when the boyfriend is preoccupied and I'm left alone for too long. For the most part I try not to think of my disgusting self. I don't want to dwell on the fact that I'm a pathetically horrible person.

I have yet to find a job but have put a ton of apps out and hope to hear something soon. Other than all that, not much has been going on. Hope everything is well with you readers :)

Stay strong

Just hold it together

I'm alone again. Carl is on his fucking computer again. I took a shower so no one would see me crying. I was so dibilitated by my emotions, I literally could not move. I just sat in the shower and sobbed. Finally, I was ready to get out. It took me forever to he able to open the door though. My shower is directly across from a mirror.

My reflection threw me into another fit of sobs and fucking self hatred. I can't win. I can't keep doing this! I don't want to be so damn unhappy. I'm fucking pathetic and needy. Why the fuck is he with me?

Here I go again. Another night of me pathetically crying in a dark room. Why can't I be good enough? I'm fucking worthless. I want to be thin, beautiful and smart. Witty, funny and cute. I want to be happy. I can't.

I can't be any of that. I don't go to school, I can't afford it. I'm awkward and ugly. I can't lose weight. No matter how hard or how much I work out the fucking scale number is the same!!! I'm shit. I'm completely worthless. It's no wonder Carl wants nothing to do with me.

He never wants to spend time with me. I get it. I'm not worth the time. His games, computer and friends are. God, I'm so pathetic. He deserves better. I don't know why he hasn't cut all ties with me yet.