Saturday, October 29, 2011
It Has to get better
I just got fired from one of my jobs. I feel so terrible right now. They said I didn't seem like I wanted to be there. It's work... of course I didn't want to be there but that doesn't mean I didn't do the work... I did everything I could to not get fired. I guess I just have to try harder. Find another job and keep going. I feel so horrible though. How could I havelet this happen? I cut today because of it. I need the punishment. Obviously I could have done better....
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Here I go again
Things are getting too out of control. I miss my boyfriend. My best friend claims he loves me and I ended up having sex with him when we drank together. I had drunken sex with my roommate and then a couple nights later... drunken sex with his best friend. What the hell is wrong with me!!?? Things are spinning out of control and I am letting it happen. I'm the biggest whore I know now.
I haven't left my room in two days except to go to work and take walks. I cause so many problems. I stopped drinking and hanging out with friends. I need the isolation.
The worst thing to happen to me in the past week? I have to get it out. I haven't told anyone about it. I'm sitting here typing... tears running down my face because my roommate's dad who has been like a grandpa to me invited me over to his house. He had me make margaritas for him and offered me to make some for myself as well. I figured it would be safe since I have known him for a really long time. We sat down and watched a movie that was fairly good. Then he put on another movie in his room and we migrated into there. I thought it was a little weird but he said it was just to be more comfortable. I didn't really think much of it after that.
Everything seemed fine. We were watching the movie and then he started rubbing my leg. I moved out of his reach. Then he pulled me over to him and started kissing me. I got off the bed and told him I had to leave. He asked why and all I could say was I had a boyfriend... I was too horrified. Too numb. Too disgusted to say anything else. He said no one knows what happens behind closed doors... I walked out at that point.
Today, as I was walking to work, he drove by me. He stopped and called me over. He told me he knew of certain horrible things I have done and asked if my boyfriend or his mom knew (his mom is the mail lady for the apartment complex he lives in). I told him no. He said he wouldn't say anything if I went and visited him for an hour after work.
That bastard threatened me!!
I am not going to fall for his shit. I will not be scared into having sex with some old guy.
Some guy I thought I could trust.
I can't believe this. I have never felt such self loathing. I haven't eaten in almost three days in order to punish myself. I will continue to punish myself for another four days. I deserve longer. I am not going to see anyone either though. I just wanna work out and work. I can't face people right now, work is going to be hard enough... It's not like I deserve any company anyways.
I haven't left my room in two days except to go to work and take walks. I cause so many problems. I stopped drinking and hanging out with friends. I need the isolation.
The worst thing to happen to me in the past week? I have to get it out. I haven't told anyone about it. I'm sitting here typing... tears running down my face because my roommate's dad who has been like a grandpa to me invited me over to his house. He had me make margaritas for him and offered me to make some for myself as well. I figured it would be safe since I have known him for a really long time. We sat down and watched a movie that was fairly good. Then he put on another movie in his room and we migrated into there. I thought it was a little weird but he said it was just to be more comfortable. I didn't really think much of it after that.
Everything seemed fine. We were watching the movie and then he started rubbing my leg. I moved out of his reach. Then he pulled me over to him and started kissing me. I got off the bed and told him I had to leave. He asked why and all I could say was I had a boyfriend... I was too horrified. Too numb. Too disgusted to say anything else. He said no one knows what happens behind closed doors... I walked out at that point.
Today, as I was walking to work, he drove by me. He stopped and called me over. He told me he knew of certain horrible things I have done and asked if my boyfriend or his mom knew (his mom is the mail lady for the apartment complex he lives in). I told him no. He said he wouldn't say anything if I went and visited him for an hour after work.
That bastard threatened me!!
I am not going to fall for his shit. I will not be scared into having sex with some old guy.
Some guy I thought I could trust.
I can't believe this. I have never felt such self loathing. I haven't eaten in almost three days in order to punish myself. I will continue to punish myself for another four days. I deserve longer. I am not going to see anyone either though. I just wanna work out and work. I can't face people right now, work is going to be hard enough... It's not like I deserve any company anyways.
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