Lost In You

I never would have thought it would be possible to get one guy to love me. Let alone two. M told me he loves me today. I never told C about what happened, I know he would leave me. I know I don't deserve him but I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I wouldn't be able to take it. I did draw a line with M, though. Just friends. Nothing more.

I haven't eaten anything in about two or three days. Not sure exactly how many, haven't been keeping track. I'm empty again. I hate it. Not having any emotions at all is the worst thing to me. It's a struggle to even pretend to be happy like I usually do.

My mask is crumbling. I broke down twice today at work. Luckily I was in the dish room so nobody saw. Once I got home I was completely drained of emotion. That feeling of nothingness crept in and made itself at home.

On the plus side, I managed to stand on the scale today... I'm 5'2" and 120 pounds... I'm working on that though. I want to be 98 pounds and I know I can do it.

Hope all is well- xxx Elizabeth

I Lost Myself

I couldn't do it.

I stared at that scale for ten minutes. I couldn't muster up the courage to weigh myself. When did this fear even start? When I went to visit my family for a couple weeks. My step mom has been watching my eating patterns since I was 16. When I first started really getting to know ana. She is smart, or I am a terrible liar. But, I can fool everyone but her it seems. She is always talking about the importance of self love and a healthy body image. She doesn't know how far my self esteem has dropped or she would have tried to do something more than lecture by now. Anyways, I went to visit my family and they were forcing fatty foods down my throat the whole time. Going out to eat almost everyday. Buying shit for me to eat.

After I got home, I checked the scale... I had gained 10 fucking pounds. I couldn't handle the number I saw. I felt disgusting. I WAS disgusting. Still am. I can't get on that scale. I'll fast one more day today and then try again tomorrow morning.

I know I can win. I have to. I have a month until my boyfriend, C, comes to visit. I will be beautiful for him. And in the meantime, M can see my beautiful transformation in progress... maybe he will want me. Fuck, why do I think things like that? As if my life isn't full of chaos already? I have to go and try to get another guy to want me when I know it will only cause drama and pain. I really am a selfish bitch.

I need to focus on me and C. I need to focus on my transformation from fat to thin. From ugly to beautiful. I'm on a liquid fast today and tomorrow I will weigh myself. It will be a win. It has to me. I will no longer accept being a failure. I seek perfection and I shall have it.

 I will be thin...

Even if it kills me... as dramatic as that sounds, but in a way it is true. I know the dangers of this ed. I hope to get out before it is too late but I have no motivation to get better. It's the disorder speaking, I know. But it is too much a part of me as I have said before. I will not quit until I can get to my perfect size.

I used to be so much more motivated when I was younger. What happened to that? I don't know. But I will get back to that. I will have perfect control.

What A Way To Be

I have a new reason to lose weight... A new... obsession, if you will. I mentioned in my first post how I have this need for male attention. I know I am in a long distance relationship and despite my actions, I love him. It's just... ugh. This guy... I'll call him M. He is soo nice and respectful. He doesn't hit on me like other guys. He is actually extremely friendly but in no way do I see him liking me as any other way than a friend.

Which makes me want him to.

It makes it a sort of challenge for me. Nothing will happen between us, I know this because he would never try anything while I had a boyfriend and neither would I. It's my mind... I feel there is something wrong with me (besides the obvious fat that only I can seem to see). I need every guy's approval, despite how vain and shallow that sounds. I know, I'm a bitch in that aspect. I just can't help it.

If I could just see myself the way others see me, I know I could be happy. They tell me I'm skinny and that I am losing weight... but how can I believe them? How can they possibly be telling the truth when I am in fact not skinny at all. I am quite fat. No matter what I may lose, it is never enough.

I don't even remember what it is to be happy anymore. I remember easy smiles... laughs that weren't fake... bits and pieces of a fleeting memory. A time long gone. Now, I have stress coming from everywhere it seems like. Work, home, family, friends, food. It is a never ending battle that I am constantly failing at. Which puts me into a deeper depression because failure is not acceptable.

Failure...

That word pops into my head so much. I know I am a failure, but I will do better. Ana will help me be better. I know it is fucked up, I know it's crazy but I need to do this. I need this more than anything. I'm taking it to a higher level. I cannot afford to lose control anymore. I will rise above this and win. I will be everything I pretend to be in public: thin, gorgeous and confident. If I pretend enough... maybe it will no longer be a mask I put on. No longer an act.. a role I need to play. Maybe, one day, I will become the role. Assume the character so completely that I will be happy.

I can only hope and work hard as hell for it.

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning... for the first time in a long time. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I haven't eaten anything all day in preparation for this...

Hope all goes well... xxx Elizabeth