I have been feeling ridiculously down today, easily irritated and all around terrible. I'm too sore to work out, ate way more than I wanted to because the boyfriend is around.
I'm just so tired of everyday living. Barely getting by, always acting happier than I really am, that numb feeling that sometimes persists and I can't feel anything. I haven't cut myself in a while and I'm always tempted when that numbness overtakes me.
This is so hard. I don't get out of bed in the morning because I want to, I do it because I force myself and tell myself that I have to.
I wish normalcy was an option. Even though, I'm sore as hell and my boyfriend has told me I need a break from working out, I have been sneaking exercises. Swuats in the bathroom, fidgeting constantly, calf raises when standing.
I just keep beating myself up and since I fell off the wagon for a bit, I have had nothing but motivation to be on top. To be... If not gorgeous then at least thin.
I just feel more worthless than ever. The slightest, dumbest thing knocks me down. I need strength, which I don't have, confidence that I will never get being like this and I need validation from others. I don't care how pathetic it is, I need it.
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