What A Way To Be

I have a new reason to lose weight... A new... obsession, if you will. I mentioned in my first post how I have this need for male attention. I know I am in a long distance relationship and despite my actions, I love him. It's just... ugh. This guy... I'll call him M. He is soo nice and respectful. He doesn't hit on me like other guys. He is actually extremely friendly but in no way do I see him liking me as any other way than a friend.

Which makes me want him to.

It makes it a sort of challenge for me. Nothing will happen between us, I know this because he would never try anything while I had a boyfriend and neither would I. It's my mind... I feel there is something wrong with me (besides the obvious fat that only I can seem to see). I need every guy's approval, despite how vain and shallow that sounds. I know, I'm a bitch in that aspect. I just can't help it.

If I could just see myself the way others see me, I know I could be happy. They tell me I'm skinny and that I am losing weight... but how can I believe them? How can they possibly be telling the truth when I am in fact not skinny at all. I am quite fat. No matter what I may lose, it is never enough.

I don't even remember what it is to be happy anymore. I remember easy smiles... laughs that weren't fake... bits and pieces of a fleeting memory. A time long gone. Now, I have stress coming from everywhere it seems like. Work, home, family, friends, food. It is a never ending battle that I am constantly failing at. Which puts me into a deeper depression because failure is not acceptable.

Failure...

That word pops into my head so much. I know I am a failure, but I will do better. Ana will help me be better. I know it is fucked up, I know it's crazy but I need to do this. I need this more than anything. I'm taking it to a higher level. I cannot afford to lose control anymore. I will rise above this and win. I will be everything I pretend to be in public: thin, gorgeous and confident. If I pretend enough... maybe it will no longer be a mask I put on. No longer an act.. a role I need to play. Maybe, one day, I will become the role. Assume the character so completely that I will be happy.

I can only hope and work hard as hell for it.

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning... for the first time in a long time. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I haven't eaten anything all day in preparation for this...

Hope all goes well... xxx Elizabeth