I Lost Myself

I couldn't do it.

I stared at that scale for ten minutes. I couldn't muster up the courage to weigh myself. When did this fear even start? When I went to visit my family for a couple weeks. My step mom has been watching my eating patterns since I was 16. When I first started really getting to know ana. She is smart, or I am a terrible liar. But, I can fool everyone but her it seems. She is always talking about the importance of self love and a healthy body image. She doesn't know how far my self esteem has dropped or she would have tried to do something more than lecture by now. Anyways, I went to visit my family and they were forcing fatty foods down my throat the whole time. Going out to eat almost everyday. Buying shit for me to eat.

After I got home, I checked the scale... I had gained 10 fucking pounds. I couldn't handle the number I saw. I felt disgusting. I WAS disgusting. Still am. I can't get on that scale. I'll fast one more day today and then try again tomorrow morning.

I know I can win. I have to. I have a month until my boyfriend, C, comes to visit. I will be beautiful for him. And in the meantime, M can see my beautiful transformation in progress... maybe he will want me. Fuck, why do I think things like that? As if my life isn't full of chaos already? I have to go and try to get another guy to want me when I know it will only cause drama and pain. I really am a selfish bitch.

I need to focus on me and C. I need to focus on my transformation from fat to thin. From ugly to beautiful. I'm on a liquid fast today and tomorrow I will weigh myself. It will be a win. It has to me. I will no longer accept being a failure. I seek perfection and I shall have it.

 I will be thin...

Even if it kills me... as dramatic as that sounds, but in a way it is true. I know the dangers of this ed. I hope to get out before it is too late but I have no motivation to get better. It's the disorder speaking, I know. But it is too much a part of me as I have said before. I will not quit until I can get to my perfect size.

I used to be so much more motivated when I was younger. What happened to that? I don't know. But I will get back to that. I will have perfect control.

What A Way To Be

I have a new reason to lose weight... A new... obsession, if you will. I mentioned in my first post how I have this need for male attention. I know I am in a long distance relationship and despite my actions, I love him. It's just... ugh. This guy... I'll call him M. He is soo nice and respectful. He doesn't hit on me like other guys. He is actually extremely friendly but in no way do I see him liking me as any other way than a friend.

Which makes me want him to.

It makes it a sort of challenge for me. Nothing will happen between us, I know this because he would never try anything while I had a boyfriend and neither would I. It's my mind... I feel there is something wrong with me (besides the obvious fat that only I can seem to see). I need every guy's approval, despite how vain and shallow that sounds. I know, I'm a bitch in that aspect. I just can't help it.

If I could just see myself the way others see me, I know I could be happy. They tell me I'm skinny and that I am losing weight... but how can I believe them? How can they possibly be telling the truth when I am in fact not skinny at all. I am quite fat. No matter what I may lose, it is never enough.

I don't even remember what it is to be happy anymore. I remember easy smiles... laughs that weren't fake... bits and pieces of a fleeting memory. A time long gone. Now, I have stress coming from everywhere it seems like. Work, home, family, friends, food. It is a never ending battle that I am constantly failing at. Which puts me into a deeper depression because failure is not acceptable.

Failure...

That word pops into my head so much. I know I am a failure, but I will do better. Ana will help me be better. I know it is fucked up, I know it's crazy but I need to do this. I need this more than anything. I'm taking it to a higher level. I cannot afford to lose control anymore. I will rise above this and win. I will be everything I pretend to be in public: thin, gorgeous and confident. If I pretend enough... maybe it will no longer be a mask I put on. No longer an act.. a role I need to play. Maybe, one day, I will become the role. Assume the character so completely that I will be happy.

I can only hope and work hard as hell for it.

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning... for the first time in a long time. I'm scared. I don't know what to expect. I haven't eaten anything all day in preparation for this...

Hope all goes well... xxx Elizabeth

Here It Goes Again

My family is actually visiting from another state. My step mom and my brothers. Apparently we are going out to eat. Get ready for another night of sobbing, Elizabeth.

I have been doing so well too. I still haven't had the courage to weigh myself, though. I hope I can have the courage to do it soon.

 I just saw my family not too long ago. I know its wrong of me but I'm not at all excited to see them. If truth be told, they just cause more anxiety for me. My mom never approves of anything and isn't at all supportive of anything I do. If anyone can drive me to cut, it's that woman. I'm never good enough for her.

So since I'm having a fat night tonight so I don't worry them, I need to come up with a good plan to lose the extra, disgusting fat. I have been feeling ugly enough as it is. Just terrible. I couldn't look in the mirror, again. Everything I wear makes me look like a bloated whale. I'm sick of being fat.


Sick of not being good enough
Sick of hating myself
Sick of working myself to death at two shitty jobs, to pay for the shitty place I live in.

I'm completely losing it today. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. All my thoughts are jumbled up. Emotions have gone completely haywire. I sobbed like crazy the other day because I'm still sinking. I'm not good enough to pull myself out of it. I'm never happy anymore.I just want to feel something calm and peaceful for a change. I want a moment out of the chaos...just once.

Average

Just an average girl hiding the pain.

Just an average girl hiding a disease.

You see the signs but you turn away.

Its too much for your normal world.

Ignore it and you don’t have to worry.

You see the smeared make up, starved eyes.

See the sadness plainy on her arms .

Like a sick canvas, it’s there.

And still you carry on.

Run away without a second glance.

You could save her if you chose.

You could love her if you tried

But you don't

You pretend it’s nothing

Because you can’t stand the pain either

Here I Am

This isn't my first blog but it is one I know I can be completely honest in as no one I know will be following it. As far as I know. I need some place to be completely truthful. I need to be able to write things down and get them out of my messed up head. I need to finally tell the truth. Uncensored.

I guess I should introduce myself. I'm a 20 year old female and I have two jobs. I live in a small coastal town in the US and I have an eating disorder. Have had one since I was 16. I mean, I have always had a problem with my weight. I always thought I was fat and ugly. I guess at 16 it all just bubbled over. I tried dieting and was really happy with the results. Before I knew it, I was restricting more and working out like crazy. Now I haven't been able to stop.

I thought about recovery a couple of times but I could never actually go through with it. This is too much a part of me and I'm not willing to give it up.

I am also addicted to male attention, slightly alcoholic, a slight pot head and a shopaholic. Yes my life can be full of chaos which is why I started this blog. I have always had a need to write and document hings. I need it to clear my head and make sense of the chaos. Words are beautiful when written right and someday I hope to create beauty. Someday I hope to be a beauty. The only way to do that is to be thin (and there's the ed talking). So, that's me. Somewhat.

Anyways, I'm here and ready to finally write without any inhibitions.