Here I go again

Things are getting too out of control. I miss my boyfriend. My best friend claims he loves me and I ended up having sex with him when we drank together. I had drunken sex with my roommate and then a couple nights later... drunken sex with his best friend. What the hell is wrong with me!!?? Things are spinning out of control and I am letting it happen. I'm the biggest whore I know now.

 I haven't left my room in two days except to go to work and take walks. I cause so many problems. I stopped drinking and hanging out with friends. I need the isolation.

The worst thing to happen to me in the past week? I have to get it out. I haven't told anyone about it. I'm sitting here typing... tears running down my face because my roommate's dad who has been like a grandpa to me invited me over to his house. He had me make margaritas for him and offered me to make some for myself as well. I figured it would be safe since I have known him for a really long time. We sat down and watched a movie that was fairly good. Then he put on another movie in his room and we migrated into there. I thought it was a little weird but he said it was just to be more comfortable. I didn't really think much of it after that.

Everything seemed fine. We were watching the movie and then he started rubbing my leg. I moved out of his reach. Then he pulled me over to him and started kissing me. I got off the bed and told him I had to leave. He asked why and all I could say was I had a boyfriend... I was too horrified. Too numb. Too disgusted to say anything else. He said no one knows what happens behind closed doors... I walked out at that point.

Today, as I was walking to work, he drove by me. He stopped and called me over. He told me he knew of certain horrible things I have done and asked if my boyfriend or his mom knew (his mom is the mail lady for the apartment complex he lives in). I told him no. He said he wouldn't say anything if I went and visited him for an hour after work.

That bastard threatened me!!

 I am not going to fall for his shit. I will not be scared into having sex with some old guy.

Some guy I thought I could trust.

I can't believe this. I have never felt such self loathing. I haven't eaten in almost three days in order to punish myself. I will continue to punish myself for another four days. I deserve longer. I am not going to see anyone either though. I just wanna work out and work. I can't face people right now, work is going to be hard enough...  It's not like I deserve any company anyways.

Well, I'm the worst person in the world. Remember M? He toldme he loves me.That he has liked me for months now. We got drunk together with a couple friends and I admitted that I had a crush on him... We kissed and we did it again tonight. I'm such a terrible person. I don't deserve anyone. M and C are truly amazing guys and I am treating them like shit. I'm breaking both off tomorrow. I'm telling C all about what I did and M just needs to find someone who is worthy of him, as does C. I feel so shitty right now. I haven't eaten anything all day because of it.

I honestly don't want this blog turning into one of those stupid wishy washy "romantic" blogs. I just need a place to write and get things out. I just really needed to let it out and there is no one I could talk to about this stuff.

Besides my shitty behavior, not much else has gone on.. I still haven't been able to sum up the courage to stand on that damn scale. Don't see it happening anytime soon. I still stare at it every fucking morning, trying to put my feet onto it and read the numbers.

This will be a short post... I just feel so worthless and terrible right now. What I did was completely wrong and and fucking heartless.

Hope all is well- XXX Elizabeth