Playing a dangerous role

I'm supposed to be happy. I have things going for me. The boyfriend and I got approved for our house. I'm getting out if this shitty town. Away from these people who know I'm nothing. I have a fresh start. Yet I'm not happy. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not enough.

I haven't told my boss I'm leaving yet. I'll be gone by the seventh of next month and she still doesn't know. I know I'll disappoint her. She needs me and I'm letting her down.

I know it's silly to feel guilty about such a thing. But I absolutely hate letting people down and yet, I do it so often. I'm a failure and I know it.

I still can't be myself around the boyfriend. That night I got too drunk and cut my fat thighs up... I still have to hide the marks. He can't see what I do. He can't see how sick I really am.

The mask is fragile though. I'm slipping up. It's getting harder and harder to keep the smile in place. I can't always run to the bathroom for a quick cry. The slip ups in the act are getting more noticeable. I can't keep doing this.

I'm living a fucking LIE.

It won't stop. I can't stop. I have to keep going. It destroys me but not half as much as it would if I were to lose all that I worked so hard for. Carl means everything to me and he can't see this side of me. He deserves a girl that can be happy and perfect. I can't be that girl but I sure as hell am trying.

I must be going insane

I work, I read, I watch movies. I cry, I cut, I starve. My life has been reduced to numbers. Calories, the scale, stats. I lie, fake everything.

See me eat? Look at this dirty, empty plate.

It's all fucking pretend. And am I getting thinner? No. The scale refuses to go down. It's been weeks and I'm a fucking failure.

I'm sick. I'm waiting to be approved for a house that I intend to live in with my boyfriend and I can't even be fully honest with him. If I am, it's all over. I need him. I can't be without him.

So the game continues.
I can't quit.

I cut...

I drank, got drunk enough to actually try having sex with the boyfriend and he rejected me. Said that I'm not myself when I'm drunk but seems to have no problem when he's drinking too. Of course it put me on a downward spiral.

I know I'm not good enough but to have that reinforced by the boyfriend's actions and words just makes it all the more harder to take in. I cut. And I hate myself. I want to cut more. I starved myself all day for him and still... I'm not good enough. I hate myself so much. I need to cut more. I deserve it. I want it. I'm so fucking pathetic.

Had nothing but a piece of cake today and a tone of alcohol. Failure? I think so. But I'm still here and I will do better. I worked off most of the cake but when I started drinking... It went down hill. I know I'm a piece of shit and it is taking all my concentration to spell this all right. Fuck, I'm messed up. I hate myself but I am working on it all. I will be better. Tomorrow I intend to fast and I am gonna run for at least an hour. I hate myself. I'm a fat bitch but wish me luck.

Back after such a long break

I haven't been online in a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. Of course it has been over a year.

Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.

I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.

An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.

The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.

We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.