I Lost Myself

I couldn't do it.

I stared at that scale for ten minutes. I couldn't muster up the courage to weigh myself. When did this fear even start? When I went to visit my family for a couple weeks. My step mom has been watching my eating patterns since I was 16. When I first started really getting to know ana. She is smart, or I am a terrible liar. But, I can fool everyone but her it seems. She is always talking about the importance of self love and a healthy body image. She doesn't know how far my self esteem has dropped or she would have tried to do something more than lecture by now. Anyways, I went to visit my family and they were forcing fatty foods down my throat the whole time. Going out to eat almost everyday. Buying shit for me to eat.

After I got home, I checked the scale... I had gained 10 fucking pounds. I couldn't handle the number I saw. I felt disgusting. I WAS disgusting. Still am. I can't get on that scale. I'll fast one more day today and then try again tomorrow morning.

I know I can win. I have to. I have a month until my boyfriend, C, comes to visit. I will be beautiful for him. And in the meantime, M can see my beautiful transformation in progress... maybe he will want me. Fuck, why do I think things like that? As if my life isn't full of chaos already? I have to go and try to get another guy to want me when I know it will only cause drama and pain. I really am a selfish bitch.

I need to focus on me and C. I need to focus on my transformation from fat to thin. From ugly to beautiful. I'm on a liquid fast today and tomorrow I will weigh myself. It will be a win. It has to me. I will no longer accept being a failure. I seek perfection and I shall have it.

 I will be thin...

Even if it kills me... as dramatic as that sounds, but in a way it is true. I know the dangers of this ed. I hope to get out before it is too late but I have no motivation to get better. It's the disorder speaking, I know. But it is too much a part of me as I have said before. I will not quit until I can get to my perfect size.

I used to be so much more motivated when I was younger. What happened to that? I don't know. But I will get back to that. I will have perfect control.

Here It Goes Again

My family is actually visiting from another state. My step mom and my brothers. Apparently we are going out to eat. Get ready for another night of sobbing, Elizabeth.

I have been doing so well too. I still haven't had the courage to weigh myself, though. I hope I can have the courage to do it soon.

 I just saw my family not too long ago. I know its wrong of me but I'm not at all excited to see them. If truth be told, they just cause more anxiety for me. My mom never approves of anything and isn't at all supportive of anything I do. If anyone can drive me to cut, it's that woman. I'm never good enough for her.

So since I'm having a fat night tonight so I don't worry them, I need to come up with a good plan to lose the extra, disgusting fat. I have been feeling ugly enough as it is. Just terrible. I couldn't look in the mirror, again. Everything I wear makes me look like a bloated whale. I'm sick of being fat.


Sick of not being good enough
Sick of hating myself
Sick of working myself to death at two shitty jobs, to pay for the shitty place I live in.

I'm completely losing it today. I seriously feel like I'm going crazy. All my thoughts are jumbled up. Emotions have gone completely haywire. I sobbed like crazy the other day because I'm still sinking. I'm not good enough to pull myself out of it. I'm never happy anymore.I just want to feel something calm and peaceful for a change. I want a moment out of the chaos...just once.