willingly trapped by the monster

There are so many things we connect to being happy. If I am thin I'll be happy. If I am beautiful, I'll be happy. If I do this or that then I will definitely be happy. The thing is, that's not happiness. Happiness is a state of being. A fairly unreachable state of being in my case but one nonetheless.

I'm still stuck in that mind set that if I lose weight and gain attention, it will make me happy. I am, in every way, trapped by my disorders. And I allow it to be so. Because I am afraid. I'm afraid to lose the thing that destroys me. In a sick way, it defines who I am and I don't know what I would do without it.

It destroys me, yes. But it is also the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I go through the daily routines, the responsibilities. I'm not happy without it. I'm not motivated with out it. Its that twisted thinking that keeps me trapped. But I'm not ready to be freed from it.

I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm nothing. Without my disorders telling me this, maybe, I could be strong. I could be brave. I could be something.

Right now, I can't. I can't take that leap...

Is this how it's going to stay?

I have a part time job now. I got it towards the end of September. Of course, I'm still not happy. I can't ask for any time off so I will be alone for Christmas. Good in the sense that I can starve all I want and no one will be there to give a shit. But me, alone.. Well, that hasn't been going so well.

I cry, all the time when I'm alone. Hell, the boyfriend can be laying right next to me and I'll have tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably.

I hate myself so much. I can't be happy. The harder I try to pretend otherwise, the worse I fucking feel. There is no end. There will never be an end to this. I don't know how it got this bad.

I used to be so happy. I used to smile and laugh. Real smiles and real laughter. Not the half hearted mask I put on now... I just want that back. Why is it so hard to get that back? Is it really too much to ask to be happy? To feel worthy? To feel like I am enough?