Carl has been gone almost all day. He hardly said a word to me when he He was here. I've had almost all day to myself. I feel wrong. I know I'm not right but... Nothing feels right. I'm starting to get numb again. That feeling of nothingness. It's been coming and going all day.

When I'm not numb, I'm raked with disgust, sadness and fear. I honestly don't know which is worse. I feel like a mess. I am a mess.

I haven't been eating today. I had about 300 calories today and even that fills me with disgust. I'm tired of this. I want to be normal. I want this all to go away. The fear, the sickness, the moments of emptiness.

I don't know what to do anymore

I Lost Myself

I couldn't do it.

I stared at that scale for ten minutes. I couldn't muster up the courage to weigh myself. When did this fear even start? When I went to visit my family for a couple weeks. My step mom has been watching my eating patterns since I was 16. When I first started really getting to know ana. She is smart, or I am a terrible liar. But, I can fool everyone but her it seems. She is always talking about the importance of self love and a healthy body image. She doesn't know how far my self esteem has dropped or she would have tried to do something more than lecture by now. Anyways, I went to visit my family and they were forcing fatty foods down my throat the whole time. Going out to eat almost everyday. Buying shit for me to eat.

After I got home, I checked the scale... I had gained 10 fucking pounds. I couldn't handle the number I saw. I felt disgusting. I WAS disgusting. Still am. I can't get on that scale. I'll fast one more day today and then try again tomorrow morning.

I know I can win. I have to. I have a month until my boyfriend, C, comes to visit. I will be beautiful for him. And in the meantime, M can see my beautiful transformation in progress... maybe he will want me. Fuck, why do I think things like that? As if my life isn't full of chaos already? I have to go and try to get another guy to want me when I know it will only cause drama and pain. I really am a selfish bitch.

I need to focus on me and C. I need to focus on my transformation from fat to thin. From ugly to beautiful. I'm on a liquid fast today and tomorrow I will weigh myself. It will be a win. It has to me. I will no longer accept being a failure. I seek perfection and I shall have it.

 I will be thin...

Even if it kills me... as dramatic as that sounds, but in a way it is true. I know the dangers of this ed. I hope to get out before it is too late but I have no motivation to get better. It's the disorder speaking, I know. But it is too much a part of me as I have said before. I will not quit until I can get to my perfect size.

I used to be so much more motivated when I was younger. What happened to that? I don't know. But I will get back to that. I will have perfect control.