Started eating again but still don't have much of an appetite. It's an odd feeling. I have never felt so much control. I have never had such little need to eat. Even fasting for as long as I did I thought I would be starving and ready to binge by now. It's nice to have this control. It's lovely to feel myself getting thin. I do feel hungry but the feeling is barely there. Like it's muted. I love the feeling in my stomach right now. I only ate a piece of toast for breakfast, half a cup of broccoli at lunch and an apple at dinner yesterday. I haven't eaten anything today yet. I can't explain how happy I feel about the control I have,

C will be back in town on friday. He is staying for a week and then he wants me to stay with him in his dorm for a week. I'm excited for him to see the improvement. I look thinner, my clothes fit less tight now. I actually want to weigh myself and I think I will tomorrow moring. I feel something akin to happiness and it makes me smile a little. Not a true smile... but almost. As soon as I am 98 pounds, I will be the happiest gorl alive.

"Look at you... 20 years old and your happiness depends on the weight you lose. How immature of you. "Seeking attention" at this age. You're vain and shallow. You need to get the fuck over yourself." 

Yes someone said this to me yesterday. Someone who has known me for years and knows of my disorder. It hurts to hear that from someone you thought you could trust. Someone who I thought would understand better than most.

 Despite what evidence in this blog and my actions may show, I am not seeking attention. People really don't seem to realize it's a disorder. I'm fucked in the brain. But all they see me trying to do is follow a fad. They don't see the tears behind the mask. The hidden struggle with food. The obsession with food, eaten or not. They can never understand. Unless they have been through it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I just hate seeing the judgemental looks from the people who do know my problem.