Carl has been gone almost all day. He hardly said a word to me when he He was here. I've had almost all day to myself. I feel wrong. I know I'm not right but... Nothing feels right. I'm starting to get numb again. That feeling of nothingness. It's been coming and going all day.

When I'm not numb, I'm raked with disgust, sadness and fear. I honestly don't know which is worse. I feel like a mess. I am a mess.

I haven't been eating today. I had about 300 calories today and even that fills me with disgust. I'm tired of this. I want to be normal. I want this all to go away. The fear, the sickness, the moments of emptiness.

I don't know what to do anymore

Lost In You

I never would have thought it would be possible to get one guy to love me. Let alone two. M told me he loves me today. I never told C about what happened, I know he would leave me. I know I don't deserve him but I can't stand the thought of him leaving me. I wouldn't be able to take it. I did draw a line with M, though. Just friends. Nothing more.

I haven't eaten anything in about two or three days. Not sure exactly how many, haven't been keeping track. I'm empty again. I hate it. Not having any emotions at all is the worst thing to me. It's a struggle to even pretend to be happy like I usually do.

My mask is crumbling. I broke down twice today at work. Luckily I was in the dish room so nobody saw. Once I got home I was completely drained of emotion. That feeling of nothingness crept in and made itself at home.

On the plus side, I managed to stand on the scale today... I'm 5'2" and 120 pounds... I'm working on that though. I want to be 98 pounds and I know I can do it.

Hope all is well- xxx Elizabeth