Back after such a long break

I haven't been online in a while. A lot has happened since I last posted. Of course it has been over a year.

Last I wrote, I was fired for a horribly stupid reason. I was also kicked out of my home for that incident with that 50 year old bastard. He told my roommate that I had given him oral. I was couch hopping for a week or so before I was able to get on my feet again.
That rumour is still going around town.
I can't pass by a single person without hearing the insults barely whispered about me. I don't have any friends. I spend my time at work and with the boyfriend.

I do like work though. Its a cute little hippie shop. The boss is fun to work with and hardly any locals ever come in. It's awkward when they do though.

An old friend came into the shop the other day. She acted like she never even knew me. We used to be so close. She accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and that was the first time we talked since then. I cried in the back room when she left. We went from being best friends to strangers with memories.

The boyfriend and I are doing good, however. He keeps me afloat. Everything I do is for him. I love him so much. I think it's because, deep down, I know I'm not good enough for him.

We are getting a place together away from this town. I'm excited bit also worried. My eating disorder is in full reign again and he has no idea. I'm trying to get perfect for him. I'm trying to be worth it. I don't deserve him but I'm really trying to.

Started eating again but still don't have much of an appetite. It's an odd feeling. I have never felt so much control. I have never had such little need to eat. Even fasting for as long as I did I thought I would be starving and ready to binge by now. It's nice to have this control. It's lovely to feel myself getting thin. I do feel hungry but the feeling is barely there. Like it's muted. I love the feeling in my stomach right now. I only ate a piece of toast for breakfast, half a cup of broccoli at lunch and an apple at dinner yesterday. I haven't eaten anything today yet. I can't explain how happy I feel about the control I have,

C will be back in town on friday. He is staying for a week and then he wants me to stay with him in his dorm for a week. I'm excited for him to see the improvement. I look thinner, my clothes fit less tight now. I actually want to weigh myself and I think I will tomorrow moring. I feel something akin to happiness and it makes me smile a little. Not a true smile... but almost. As soon as I am 98 pounds, I will be the happiest gorl alive.

"Look at you... 20 years old and your happiness depends on the weight you lose. How immature of you. "Seeking attention" at this age. You're vain and shallow. You need to get the fuck over yourself." 

Yes someone said this to me yesterday. Someone who has known me for years and knows of my disorder. It hurts to hear that from someone you thought you could trust. Someone who I thought would understand better than most.

 Despite what evidence in this blog and my actions may show, I am not seeking attention. People really don't seem to realize it's a disorder. I'm fucked in the brain. But all they see me trying to do is follow a fad. They don't see the tears behind the mask. The hidden struggle with food. The obsession with food, eaten or not. They can never understand. Unless they have been through it and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I just hate seeing the judgemental looks from the people who do know my problem.