crying on the bathroom floor

I haven't felt the need to hole myself up in the bathroom sobbing silently for quite a while. Then today... I have been so emotionally wrecked for no reason other than my own pathetic non-existing confidence.

There was no real reason for running to the bathroom to cry. My boyfriend was playing his computer game, had his headphones in and was talking to his friends on Skype. One of them said something and he just looked at me while laughing uncontrollably. I asked him what and he said his friend said something about me and that he would tell me later.

For that. That one stupid, irrelevant moment, I was off to the bathroom and forcing myself to control my sobs. I'm so fucked up today.

garbage doesn't even begin to cover it

I have been feeling ridiculously down today, easily irritated and all around terrible. I'm too sore to work out, ate way more than I wanted to because the boyfriend is around.

I'm just so tired of everyday living. Barely getting by, always acting happier than I really am, that numb feeling that sometimes persists and I can't feel anything. I haven't cut myself in a while and I'm always tempted when that numbness overtakes me.

This is so hard. I don't get out of bed in the morning because I want to, I do it because I force myself and tell myself that I have to.

I wish normalcy was an option. Even though, I'm sore as hell and my boyfriend has told me I need a break from working out, I have been sneaking exercises. Swuats in the bathroom, fidgeting constantly, calf raises when standing.


I just keep beating myself up and since I fell off the wagon for a bit, I have had nothing but motivation to be on top. To be... If not gorgeous then at least thin.

I just feel more worthless than ever. The slightest, dumbest thing knocks me down. I need strength, which I don't have, confidence that I will never get being like this and I need validation from others. I don't care how pathetic it is, I need it.

I will be what I need to be

Just got done with an excellent work out. Feels good to be back on track. Now I'll be waiting for the boyfriend to get home, see if he wants to go For a jog. That will take about half an hour. We will be back by 1:30. I'll take a shower afterwards, then knit until I finish my nieces presents, cook for Carl, wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, write a couple letters to pen pals. I'll possibly knit some more. I just need as many distractions as possible.

A liquid fast to start anew. Doesn't mean it won't be hard. I'll do my best. No I'll do better than that. I will be absolutely resolute. I willmot accept failure. Of any kind. I will rise above everything and be everything I need myself to be.

I have lacked ambition, I lacked motivation, I lacked. I am failing myself. I have given up entirely and I'm disgusted with myself.

Revolted.

I can't keep going through the motions. I can't lay in bed at night thinking about the exercises I could be doing instead. I need to wake up. I need my other brand of crazy. The one that puts me in shape and tortures me the way I need. That addictive, empty stomach, sore muscle burn. I need it back.

I will begin anew. I will start today. Once again I'll have a carefully planned schedule filled with workouts and distractions. I need to be thin again. I need to work out again. I will do it. I have to.

over thinking

 I spent Christmas alone. Carl went back to our home town to be with family. I had to stay behind because of work. It was terrible. Two weeks by myself. I spent those weeks alternately binge eating and starving myself. I had no one. I moved to a new city and all I have is Carl.

On Christmas eve I was laid off and am now looking for another job. I hate that I have barely any prospects right now. I want to go back to school and I can't. I have absolutely no money for such a thing. I'm not smart enough, I'm not talented for anything. I'm very obviously not qualified for anything other than a minimum wage job. I feel pretty pathetic.

Other than the usual flow of self hatred and criticism, things have been fairly well. Carl came back about a week ago and he has been nothing but supportive. He knows how I feel about the jobs I have to apply for. About my lack of schooling. He knows how bad my self esteem is. I finally opened up to him.

He didn't run. He didn't leave. He's still here. He still loves me. I feel so much better now that he knows everything. I don't know if he looks at me differently now. I'm sure he does but he hasn't shown any sign of it yet. He knew how much it took to tell him.

I still can't stop worrying, though. What if I won't be able to find another job? How do I know I won't hate it? How can I stand dealing with another cashier job or dish washing job? I mean yeah, I need the money and will take any job available.. Regardless of how much I'll hate it. People here treat minimum wage jobs like shit. I'm constantly treated like an idiot because of it. I've never seen so many rude people in my life until I had that cashier job.
I've had three people in one week bring me to tears because of the things they said.

How can I build any self esteem with people like that? How can I build any self esteem when my crazy won't shut up? I feel so messed up. The only good thing in my life is Carl. And as I've said before, I don't know what I would do without him.

He treats me amazingly. He isn't always romantic. Sometimes he spends way too much time on video games but I I know he's always there for me no matter what. It feels so good knowing I have him to completely lean on when I need. I've never had that before. He actually makes me feel worthy. It's refreshing.

willingly trapped by the monster

There are so many things we connect to being happy. If I am thin I'll be happy. If I am beautiful, I'll be happy. If I do this or that then I will definitely be happy. The thing is, that's not happiness. Happiness is a state of being. A fairly unreachable state of being in my case but one nonetheless.

I'm still stuck in that mind set that if I lose weight and gain attention, it will make me happy. I am, in every way, trapped by my disorders. And I allow it to be so. Because I am afraid. I'm afraid to lose the thing that destroys me. In a sick way, it defines who I am and I don't know what I would do without it.

It destroys me, yes. But it is also the reason I get out of bed every morning. The reason I go through the daily routines, the responsibilities. I'm not happy without it. I'm not motivated with out it. Its that twisted thinking that keeps me trapped. But I'm not ready to be freed from it.

I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm nothing. Without my disorders telling me this, maybe, I could be strong. I could be brave. I could be something.

Right now, I can't. I can't take that leap...

Is this how it's going to stay?

I have a part time job now. I got it towards the end of September. Of course, I'm still not happy. I can't ask for any time off so I will be alone for Christmas. Good in the sense that I can starve all I want and no one will be there to give a shit. But me, alone.. Well, that hasn't been going so well.

I cry, all the time when I'm alone. Hell, the boyfriend can be laying right next to me and I'll have tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably.

I hate myself so much. I can't be happy. The harder I try to pretend otherwise, the worse I fucking feel. There is no end. There will never be an end to this. I don't know how it got this bad.

I used to be so happy. I used to smile and laugh. Real smiles and real laughter. Not the half hearted mask I put on now... I just want that back. Why is it so hard to get that back? Is it really too much to ask to be happy? To feel worthy? To feel like I am enough?